He is who he is.

He is who he is.

Men.

I had a discussion this evening with a friend who believes that men need to be told what to do, they need to be treated like they don’t matter, not adored or admired, not doted on or loved but neglected and challenged.

Anyone who does not present a challenge, an indomitable spirit or bitchy  demeanor is not going to get the guy.

Allowing a man to be himself and thinking that is what he wants, is to my friends way of thinking, exactly what you should  never do…because that is not really what he wants.

Sometimes listening to friends I wonder at the people that they are in relationships with.

Anyway, the quote from “Parker” inspired lively debate…for another time when I am not feeling the world tilt.

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Some things are just…priceless.

Still sick, ya I know, it seems to be getting worse so while I was doing the chores and cleaning the kitchen I was more into goal accomplishment than attentiveness to puppy like I usually am.

I took a hard crusted baguette and gave it to the dog.

I thought, ya I know I MUST be sicker then I thought, that the dog would go YES, score…talk about an idea that fizzled.

Fizzled? That implies that it even got off the ground.

I tossed it over to her in the living room, and  she looked at it, glanced at me, then stared at the bread on the floor.

Pokes it with her nose.

Jumps back.

Looks at me.

Contemplates the bread and starts barking at the bread.

Apparently the bread is an unexploded grenade in food form…or at least that is how the dog is treating the situation.

Guess hard crusted baguette is akin to C4.

Of course, my taking pictures and video clips of her antics did not endear me to the hound at all.

She might speak to me later, right now she is hogging the bed.

To my friend…Advice that falls on deaf ears…

…we all give advice at some point to someone who might be listening, but inside their head there is another thought process going on.

They see the wisdom in what you’re saying, but whatever they are thinking either makes your advice redundant, problematic or impossible to follow.

Hey sometimes they are just stubborn.

Okay, I get it, been there done that.

I had people giving me advice and that voice in my head kept saying why that advice was impossible.

I get it.

As you say to me, “He pushed me into the wall so hard, I had to be taken to the E.R.”

I get why my saying call the Police is not getting through.

As you say, “I don’t want to blow it out of proportion.”

Stunned I stop, because I actually said those very words to a female Police officer, while hiding the majority of the bruises under my house coat.

I went further than you did Cath, I actually said to them, it must be my fault, first serious relationship, he got violent and I over reacted.  I am too sensitive. I blew it all out of proportion…my reaction to being hit repeatedly…and called the Police. Somehow calling the Police after being beaten up, seemed wrong, my fault, so much trouble for just me.

I remember their expressions, as they looked at my bruised face.

Ya, like it’s normal to be beaten up.

I get it.

I remember all of it.

You need to call the Police now.

Pointing out why I am right, meets silence.

It isn’t easy, I know it.  I did it. The very first time he grabbed me and shoved me into a wall, I remember the stunned feeling of disbelief that, that just happened.

I went quiet, my mind working out how this could be happening in this situation, with this person…I imagine the look on my face was somewhat a cross between stunned, shocked, scared and appalled.

Of course that was just the opening volley, your new here girl, that’s not all that is on the itinerary.

You can play back every second and think, “I should have”…but it’s hindsight…20/20 and rosy to boot.

Now I know snagglepuss was a far more brilliant critter than I initially gave him credit for, “Exit stage left” not too shabby advice in some circumstances.

I should have left the apartment, gone to work, called the Police.

See…should have…hindsight…all the stuff that followed that could have been avoided. IF he had let me out of the apartment but…I do not know that for sure do I?

However, when I did get out of being trapped in the bedroom with him, and he left, I did call the Police.

Oh yes, he was so innocent that his friends got him out of the city.

Safely away from the Police.

While his friends, some of which were my bosses, decided to stop by and prevail upon me the view of their community and how they are sure it won’t happen again.

So as my friend says, “I knew he had a temper, and I don’t want him to end up in jail.”

I wince because everyone BUT the Police emphasized how important HE was, what this would do to HIM…

…not on the fact that I was pregnant, alone, hurt and scared.

If not the Police seek help and support for YOU.

You my friend are going through chemo for cancer.

Your not listening to me because that other voice, those other thoughts are busy telling you why I am wrong, what this will do, how he will react, what…

…but as I tell you it’s escalating in a negative way, you stop hearing me.

Even as you agree with everything I say.

Well…I get it…even as I will keep telling you to get help and put yourself first, like I failed to do for too long.

Addendum:

For those who are critical of the Police handling of Domestic Abuse, the Officers that handled the above mentioned incident, and others, were looking for him within an hour of their attending the call.

How do I know?

Because people they spoke to while looking for him, called me, as the Police did not tell them why they were seeking him.

I only found out why he was not located after…apparently they had a wonderful camping trip.

Those involved have to be ready to actually DO something before they can really make changes, get help or just get safe.

Stupidity of Now Day 2

Okay 1 day a week should be sufficient but apparently not.

Yesterday night, I needed something to watch, nothing fancy or thought-provoking just something to watch. Who needs thought-provoking when you feel like your body hates you and your head might explode?

The dog and I decided to watch “The Strangers”, okay the dog really didn’t contribute much beyond stealing my spot on the couch when I put the movie on.

“The Strangers” is a 2008 Horror/mystery/thriller, with Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, in which a couple go to this secluded house for a romantic evening that did not quite happen as Scott Speedman’s character hopes (yes he has a ring for her).  They are alone, it’s nice and cosy but then odd things start to happen.

Someone is getting into the house, turning on the old record player, moving things and…well it swirls downhill from there into the whole house invasion, blood, gore, and horror flick.

I won’t spoil the surprise.

The dog credits it with two startled jumps on my part (she was on my lap sleeping until the second – after two sudden startled movements your on your own jack).

So that bring us to this morning.

I was listening to the music in my room, the dog on my bed, she is working hard on tolerating my sneezing and coughing – allowing me to sputter away in relatively peaceful discomfort…with the odd irritated glance and humph.

when all of a sudden downstairs there comes this blast of hard rock music.

Dog and I both look at the bedroom door wondering what the heck???.

The music is LOUD.

It is inside the house.

But we are the only two in the house.

Of course as is normally the case, the dog is waiting for me to go first.

We go downstairs (we have been down to make tea so we know that no one was home) and we find the stereo in the kitchen blasting away, since its too high up on the wall for easy sorting out, we unplug it.

We check about, the front door is unlocked (not anymore) but no one is in the house, so we return to our room.

Only now the dog is acting like there is someone outside.

Thus does Stupidity of Now gain a part 2

Fever broke…I’m almost not.

Yesterday I found myself very upset about something that someone had intimated but was not true about me.

It bothered me because well..I just would not do what that person hinted I had.

Of course being sick, well I tend to get emotional and silly as I get sicker, once you hit that threshold of “I don’t give a damn” your on the precipice of being taken to the E.R. (been there done that got the t-shirt)…

…during the I do not give a damn period, you don’t really care.

I recall having double pneumonia once (I wrote about that trip to the hospital here) and once I got home, the snow storm snowed us in so bad I was not going anywhere.  I recall thinking at one point when I was struggling to breath, if I die it’s cool everyone will be fine, and passed out.  Two days later one of the Municipal graders did a 20 minute clean up of the yard but by then I was on the craggy slope of recovery (feeling well enough to feel horrible). Your back to being emotional, then sometimes grumpy as you get better.

I am not quite at the I don’t give a damn point, but I am at the emotional point.

My mom would say, “who cares?”

A family friend would have  said “F$%k em if they can’t take a joke.”

I am sad that anyone would get such a mistaken impression of me but other than be myself there is not much one can do.

I am kinda simple, what I say I mean, what I think I usually say and if I like you I talk to you, if I don’t like you I won’t waste our time with platitudes.

I think for myself, I do not join long lines of adoring people or fawning chorus’, if I see one forming, I exit “stage left” as Snagglepuss use to say.

I go out of my way NOT to bother people and if someone does not talk to me, the likelihood of me intruding on their time is small, I usually assume people are busy with their own thing.

I do not chase anyone…never will…so if you’re expecting pursuit, you’re looking for someone else.

When I am upset, worried or down I try NOT to bother people because we get enough of that crap everyday, don’t need extra from me.

Usually I bottle it all up, and back off to a figurative closet…

…getting out of that habit with writing, so…my former initial reaction of distancing myself from what I find unpleasant is being worked on.

I care about people…it upsets me when they are picked on or harassed.

Use to be my initial reaction was to leave…or hide.  I never told anyone what went on in those early years to set it off…and sometimes I start to react the same way and stop myself.

It takes time, and preferably not doing stuff when your feeling like someone tossed you under a road grader for shyts and giggles.

So I never left…not planning on it but I will be quieter.

Cold pills, fluids and bed…have a good night folks.

Stupidity of now

I ask for my socks that I bundled into a ball and forgot to bring up with me, to be tossed up.

So she throws them up.

They fly straight up,  do a perfect horseshoe arc and land right in my hot cup of tea.

She asks if I caught them.

If only you knew.

Well..no..not how I wanted.

Being sick I did not move quickly and in fact it was kinda unbelievable, whose socks get thrown up and land in their hot cup of tea????

I mean, people wonder when I say I have the best bad luck.

A Professional basketball player would dream of a throw like that.

The socks did fit kinda perfect right there in the cup.

Alas, I had to go down and make myself another hot tea and recruit a new pair of socks, those ones just made the big league, called: The washing machine.

Sighs

Unbelievable things that happen…strikes again when there is no one there to actually see it, but myself and…

…the dog.

Though she did believe me as I dropped the tea soaked socks down to her, she is still giggling about it.

Sighs…that had been a good tea too.

I hate being sick.

I hate being sick.

I hate the foggy headedness, the desire to sleep but you can’t, razor blades in the throat accompanied by swelling, sinus’ that want to explode or implode and when your not running a fever your a human icicle.

The same movie has played 3 times over and I know I missed a key part so I will watch it again when I find my brain.

There is no complexity of thought when your sick.

You just want to feel better, less icky or even a little less bad.

That would do.

I learned tonight that while I was not engaging with people online an acquaintance was being stalked online…I feel bad that I was of no help but then other than supportive words there is not much that I could do.

Stalking is no fun, I had someone key my car, flatten all 4 tires…basically be a terrorizer.

It is not pleasant and I do feel bad.

Once it happens you kind of do not shake the feeling again, the restraint just in case.

It is sad.

The person was definitely there trying to make a difference for others not just shits and giggles.

Aw well nothing I can do so..I am sorry..wish they were not going through this and  I wish I was not sick.

Heading back to bed..if the dog will move over and share.

Just thought, they don’t still shoot horses that feel this bad…so much for that old saying.