Yesterday I found myself very upset about something that someone had intimated but was not true about me.
It bothered me because well..I just would not do what that person hinted I had.
Of course being sick, well I tend to get emotional and silly as I get sicker, once you hit that threshold of “I don’t give a damn” your on the precipice of being taken to the E.R. (been there done that got the t-shirt)…
…during the I do not give a damn period, you don’t really care.
I recall having double pneumonia once (I wrote about that trip to the hospital here) and once I got home, the snow storm snowed us in so bad I was not going anywhere. I recall thinking at one point when I was struggling to breath, if I die it’s cool everyone will be fine, and passed out. Two days later one of the Municipal graders did a 20 minute clean up of the yard but by then I was on the craggy slope of recovery (feeling well enough to feel horrible). Your back to being emotional, then sometimes grumpy as you get better.
I am not quite at the I don’t give a damn point, but I am at the emotional point.
My mom would say, “who cares?”
A family friend would have said “F$%k em if they can’t take a joke.”
I am sad that anyone would get such a mistaken impression of me but other than be myself there is not much one can do.
I am kinda simple, what I say I mean, what I think I usually say and if I like you I talk to you, if I don’t like you I won’t waste our time with platitudes.
I think for myself, I do not join long lines of adoring people or fawning chorus’, if I see one forming, I exit “stage left” as Snagglepuss use to say.
I go out of my way NOT to bother people and if someone does not talk to me, the likelihood of me intruding on their time is small, I usually assume people are busy with their own thing.
I do not chase anyone…never will…so if you’re expecting pursuit, you’re looking for someone else.
When I am upset, worried or down I try NOT to bother people because we get enough of that crap everyday, don’t need extra from me.
Usually I bottle it all up, and back off to a figurative closet…
…getting out of that habit with writing, so…my former initial reaction of distancing myself from what I find unpleasant is being worked on.
I care about people…it upsets me when they are picked on or harassed.
Use to be my initial reaction was to leave…or hide. I never told anyone what went on in those early years to set it off…and sometimes I start to react the same way and stop myself.
It takes time, and preferably not doing stuff when your feeling like someone tossed you under a road grader for shyts and giggles.
So I never left…not planning on it but I will be quieter.
Cold pills, fluids and bed…have a good night folks.