Negative undercurrents.

It has happened to me a couple times recently where someone has said something which indicates a negative viewpoint about me and then not understanding my taking a step back and putting distance between myself and this veiled negativity that is really not deserved.

I am not the greatest proponent of my own positive qualities so if there was any merit at all in what was said, I would readily admit it, accept it and move on, actually knowing me, I would already have pointed it out.

Averse as I am to compliment myself in any way, shape or form.

However, if this is the view that they have of me, is there any wonder why you would take a few steps back, as we get enough negative from everyone else on the planet, do we really need it from people that claim to be friends?

In my view, no…I am quite content not to entangle myself with folks that desire to look down at me…it is nifty if you have a seat at the cool kids table, or a jumping off point right up on the Mountain above the rest of us…applaud all those that can attain such lofty perches.

I am not deluded into thinking that people that look down on me for whatever reason, are above doing it to anyone, or everyone else who push their buttons.

No accounting for some people’s hobbies.

There are ways of sharing thoughts with people, without putting them down, and we do not always do that, or we do not realize what we are doing from the other person’s viewpoint.

Unfounded, snide comments for no particular reason are not going to endear you or garner trust.

Mind you it will certainly allow superficial friendships to continue, barely maintained and with limited interaction only suited to the tolerance of the person who is on the lower perch.

I like to have people to admire, they are good and caring people, and they do not make it a habit to look down at people. What I have seen them do is reach down and help people up, without judgement or condemnation.  They consider themselves equals, not better and the positivity that they share is contagious.

I can think of a few Police Officers, a lady Pastor, and others, who inspire, share, encourage, understand and comfort.  They don’t look down because they view those about them as equals.

Viewpoints I hope to accomplish with as much humility and kindness as they display.

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Please do not.

Do not pigeon hole me, telling me that I am something that changes my ability to be who I am.

Do not make me feel that being me, whatever that is right this moment is wrong.

I can not be you.

I can not be someone else.

If you shut the door on me, then you are closing off possible communication in this way.

Usually that feeling spreads so that you begin to wonder what you can not share, should say and when.

Do not seek to cancel out my completeness of self, flaws and all by expounding on a perceived virtue which may be fleeting or indeed only a facet of myself.

If you place expectation upon me, then you are also shutting off my natural ability to just be me.

In Memory

Tomorrow would have been my brother’s birthday.

I still remember the last time we spoke and what he said…over and over…funny because at that time I was falling apart, in the process of breaking, and yet of all the things to keep in my mind…I was on my own to deal with moms death, he had to work, women are emotional and men are logical…women are emotional and men are logical…rinse and repeat.

He knew what would happen, if not all some, we both knew, we had discussed what the vultures would be like.

Men are logical, women are emotional.

I was always the odd one out in the family, the boys got out as soon as they legally could but I didn’t.  No biggie, it’s life we live it.

Or not.

To some they would like it to be said that they lived their lives as they wished.

It is a pioneers thought, and we have our name on a memorial as one of the “pioneer families” of the area.

He lived his life as he had been shaped to, never bothering to try to mend the damage of the abuse, not ever letting someone in and while most would say he lived his life as he wished, I think he lived his life as he could.  He never changed the shape that they formed him into all those years ago, merely  hardened his exterior. When he sought help for the pains in his chest, collapsing a few months ago on the doorstep of the emergency department, there was no one there with him to care, call for help or even notify me after.

He was the strong one…and he is missed even if he did not realize it while he was alive.

Between the sun and the moon.

“sun enhances the day, speeds the many through along the way, but moonlight shelters the dreamer and the lost..”

These walls are polished bright, well surrounded am I within.  Yet as I allow a wisp of air in to refresh, breathe life into dreams quashed and hopes forgotten.

How much simpler to leave it closed, not seek out what you often hide even from yourself?

If this is to be my life, then I wish to live it.

Not bereft of pleasure, happiness or love.

I am well versed in the negative and the destruction, but must one always risk it for a brief glimpse of the cherished and rare?

Those walls are deceptive, they await your return, proudly assuming that you will be back.

You will admit defeat, crawl inside and exist.

Struggle lest you enter, for it is a deceptive safety.

The darkness numbing the soul and strangling the fire within.

Release the dreamer from the bonds, so they may envision a brighter world of twilight.

Enchant not the lover, for love is best given as they desire to, freely.

Revile not the fool, for we are all foolish sometime, and needed the shelter of stronger folk.

Accept what is gifted, without obligation or derision.

…sing softly lest you disturb another or rather share the lyrics…

…inviting another to share a thought they too may have and thus not feel alone.

Perhaps one would then be strong enough to make their own footsteps, not follow those fashioned by others who know not your heart or soul.

I will never figure out why…

…people block the doorway when your wishing to leave the room?

It is not a logical action.

The instant that is done, I no longer care what the discussion was about, not going to listen to anything, and certainly not going to say anything because I wish to leave the room and someone is in my way.

Conversations flow, no matter what kind it is, this is putting a stopper into the bottle.

I would sooner have the chihuahua following me about nattering about whatever has their dander up, politics, religion, the reality of Santa or the Easter bunny.

Blocking the doorway and refusing to move, is inane, childish and borders on being a bully.

I’ll pass thank you…had an ex that did stuff like this…if you wanna intimidate someone find someone whose ex didn’t throw beds across the room or strangle them because he had a bad day or lost money gambling.

Proper etiquette, or personal tolerance is, step back allow the person to pass and either follow to talk or not, your choice.

Simple.

So you lied…

…what I will never understand is why?

It is not like I am mean, or harsh, lack understanding or forgiveness.

I would have forgiven, been hurt but forgiven.

It is that this undermines my ability to trust, my judgement as I trusted you and others who have done nothing wrong.

Why do I wish to understand?

It probably won’t help.

The fact that I figured it out myself, well it took time but eventually…

…I guess the why won’t help.

It would be nice, to at least, after all this time, say sorry.

Guess you do not trust me not to be mad.

Funny how trust is so important in so many ways.