Breaking common conception. Shoot the stereotype.

When looking out, we can not see through the eyes of other people or know what demons they have slain, how good or bad the journey has been for them.

Do I need to know their past to accept that they can understand intrinsically what I or another is going through?

No, it helps make us less embarrassed, ashamed or scared to share things if we know that those who are listening have some experience/knowledge with our situation and are not looking down on us…for whatever reason.

One of the things that isolates us from help, or possible friendship, is shame, fear, embarrassment and stigma.

I was talking to one of my counselors this week and something she had not realized, even though she did say that when she revealed she had been conned out of a small amount of money to co-workers in a meeting, some people looked at her differently, as if she was kinda stupid.  However, when I pointed out that in today’s world 9 times out of 10, people admire the person that stole the money or whatever…they kinda smile and say clever devil (or something along those lines) while looking at you as if it was your fault.

It’s something that people do as for some reason they admire the not Robin Hood con artists and cheats.

After all, we all like to think and say that we are smart and not likely to get “taken in” by anyone.

How much of looking down at the victim is from that little desire to be superior to someone else?  How much is admiration for a liar, cheat and confidence artist?

How about we change the stereotype a little, Robin Hood these people are not.

The devastation they cause is more than anything you have seen portrayed on Television.

You likely won’t hear it because the victims are looked down on, and the criminal is admired.

Somehow, that view needs to change…and the crime needs to be looked on as what it is.

Destroying people’s lives.

But then that is just my viewpoint.

About time we support the victim and berate the crook, instead of admire their clever skills.

 

 

 

Rinse and watch someone else repeat.

You ever get into a mess, a big one, and whether someone else got you there (as in my case) or circumstances made a shambles of things, even maybe you just charged forth into the valley of 300 foibles without thinking it through and…

…well isn’t this one FINE mess?

I know how I got into my mess, well most of it, and I know now that there were other ways of handling my circumstances but at the time, when your IN the quagmire most of us are not stepping back and thinking logically.

My predicament aside, as I will write about that in future should I ever get the courage, it seems that once people know you have been through something, they seem to think you are an expert on that particular circumstance.

I am here to say, that is not always the case.

After all I was shot at once and I would be just as clueless and stuck to the ground if it happened today as I was then.

A former ex tried to strangle me, and I have not taken self defense courses so, I would be just as hapless should that ever be repeated (not if I can help it).

Con folk stole everything I had and got me into a foreign country, okay, on this one I am a little more knowledgeable.

So someone else is in a foreign country, brought there by someone they trusted and were in a relationship with, and they too have no money, freedom and well they are kinda screwed…slight adjustment in circumstances and physical situation.

When you think your faux pas or conundrum is a singular event, not experienced by anyone else, well I realize now that it is a bit big headed.  There are still things that happen to people that are indeed singular and original but that is in itself exceptional and rare.

Other people at some point in time have gone through something akin to what you are or did, slight nuances of difference taken into consideration, and well the outcomes are probably as varied as each of us are as individual human beings.

So when someone asked me for advice for this person who is stuck in a foreign country, no money, no family with money,surrounded by people who do not care or actively got you there and dislike you, with pets that they can’t bear to leave…

…I understand from experience, what they are going through.

54 days ago the people who put me in a similar situation after taking everything I had, including my identity, threatened to slit my throat, and the world was in turmoil.

53 days ago I boarded a plane and arrived back in my own country an emotional, psychological, financial and physical mess.

They managed to take everything I had and I ended up with nothing.

Yesterday a friend contacted me because she was aware of what I went through, and now someone else is going through something similar, in my country.

Well now there is a conundrum.

I still have not worked through everything but my counselor is amazing and very good at seeing things that I did or do not, though I do not need anyone to tell me how lucky I am now, I made it out with my dog.

There is still a woman, in Canada, who is broke, has diabetes, no family to pay for her return to America, no health care, and the person that brought her to Canada (unsure if it was a sponsor or what) is now saying they are broke and can’t even pay for her return to the states with her pets.

Alas I am still broke myself and looking for a place to live, and the basic necessities so I am not much help in financial ways.

I have made suggestions but the person living through any particular hell has to actually take the steps to DO or SEEK things to help them out of the circumstance they are in.

When one is on the edge of a cliff, looking into avast abyss of darkness without a clue of what is below when they step off, many things keep them glued to the mountainside unable to move and fear is rather high on that list, not to relegate shame, embarrassment, vulnerability or helplessness to non existence because they all contribute in their own nefarious major ways, but fear is the bow on the box that needs to be undone first.

I feel pain today.

Let down the barriers and be, just be, without fear, pain or insecurity holding you back.
Acknowledge not the tears unshed, breath passed that tightness in your throat.
Be safe enough to allow yourself freedom to break.
Not what it is acceptable in others eyes to feel, or acknowledge but be free to experience you own feelings.
No one to tell you that you are unworthy to cry, wrong to be hurt, beneath the right of consideration or insult.
Look upon things with fresh eyes, not those coloured by the deceit, betrayal and abuse.
Khalil Gibran once said that, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
I think he is wrong, for the breaking does nothing but undermine the strength of self, and the understanding is not positive, but a stark view into blackness of the souls of others.
Can you view into such without being scarred?
Can you reach out and unlock the barriers of protection to dare let a fresh breath of life in?
Khalil Gibran also wrote that “Much of your pain is self-chosen.”
I beg to differ, and venture that we select words of others to stand in for that which we lack the capacity to say aloud or place upon paper.
Pain is not self chosen, unless you are at the core a masochist.
It is easy to blame ourselves for the actions of others towards us, allow them freedom from responsibility that they truly hold.
The wisdom to withhold blame, assign responsibility and accept in ourselves our guilt, innocence or stupidity, is never easy to achieve.
First we need the freedom, to feel, whatever we do, and divest ourselves of the imposed constraints of others, who for selfish reasons would deny us our simple right to humanity.
It is never wrong to feel, what matters is what you do with it, and that you somehow grow from it.
Pain does not make us stronger, or necessarily wiser, but it can be survived, and allow us to be kinder to others when we see them in situations which mirror our own.
© Simple Lady March 14, 2014

To Persevere.

Image

(The above was encountered on the web)

~~~

Freedom of Speech is taken for granted.

Freedom of Thought is often misused.

Freedom to be is hard won.

~~~

My life is mine.

~~~

I admit I did not have any input in being born, that was totally up to the parents.

The 18 hours of labor were not really my “fault” though they were caused by me.

I guess I can accept blame for being too active at 3 for my grandmother, who lasted 1 day with us and moved out because even locking the door could not keep me in the house (it was a hook and an eye and I was creative with the use of chairs).

I could make my own toast at 3 (chairs were marvelous things).

At some point before I hit 4, I (in my words to my mother) “shimmied up” a tree. The fire department got me down as no one else could manage it.  I hope I thanked them but somehow I doubt it.

~Introducing fear of heights?~

I own everything that happened to me, though to be honest, I would much rather not.  I would trade it for fun rides, travel abroad and perhaps a bigger family. Or even utter pure blandness.

I have not talked a lot about what all happened because of other people’s view of me changing and what I say may put others in a very bad light.

I am not alone in those feelings, I know from others I have spoken to about their lives, that it is hard to speak out.

I am not a victim, that word holds connotations that I refuse to accept.

I am not a survivor, because that shiny little word means it is over, done and forgotten.

In various instances either of the above terms may actually be applicable however in my view I persevere.

Persevere.

The dictionary defines the word in the following context:

to persist in anything undertaken;
maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.
to bolster, sustain, or uphold.
I think that is a more accurate definition of things from the past.  I lived in spite of difficulty, learned despite obstacles and became myself through it all.
Now it is accepting that, it is my life, not someone else’s.  What I want, need or desire is up to me, not another.
Mistakes are things you do, not who you are.

If someone lies to you, and you believe them, you can blame them for the lie and accept you made a mistake.

If someone takes advantage or cheats you, you hold them accountable for their actions, and accept that you made a mistake.

If someone hurts and abuses you (including sexually), it IS all on them.  Your mistake may be either not saying, telling or sharing it (IF you can) or not leaving (again IF you can).

It is easy to shoulder the blame, allow yourself to be responsible for things you had no control over, way to get out of or change.  After all, it is happening to you, so you must be responsible somehow, right?

You do not always realize there is a place to go, help anywhere (and sometimes there really isn’t) or people that will listen without judgement.

We take it all, tuck it away inside, and carry on, not realizing that the baggage can be what is holding us back from feeling able to be ourselves.

When you learn that being happy, laughing or even being confident, gains you negative, harsh treatment, well you learn not to.

When dreams are not encouraged, expectations however small not met, and you can’t relax because that will upset someone…it changes your behaviour and trickles into your thinking.

You expect the negative over simple things and you don’t even realize it, until someone points it out.

How often do you want to do something, say something or feel something and you tell yourself it’s wrong, don’t do it.  Simple little things, not outrageous or shocking.

Behaviour is so ingrained that you do not realize where it comes from, and with the non anti social type, unless someone points it out and asks, you do not consider it wrong, it just is.

You have a sense of impending doom, a mental, emotional and thus physical sense of disharmony, anger and upset that comes from those around you, and regardless of someone saying it is not directed at you, those feelings are real and you try to fix it or you distance yourself from the issues until the blaze dies down to embers.

Someone is going to think that is a daft statement but if you have ever been around abusive people or situations for extended periods, your senses are a bit sharper towards others, you pick up changes, moods and purely self preservation you react to appease or gain distance.  You can be in another room and your still concentrating on where they are, what they are doing and if they are coming your way.

Until recently I never knew there was a term for describing that in a way, hypervigilance.  I was surprised to find that out.

Now I can shut up and stop writing, it would likely make me safe and secure, hiding again but those memories, the images, they pop up when you least expect it and I am not insane, so I know repeating the same action expecting it to get better is not the answer.

This is change.

Even if it is a small one.

Hopefully no one will think less of me for it.