In Memory

Tomorrow would have been my brother’s birthday.

I still remember the last time we spoke and what he said…over and over…funny because at that time I was falling apart, in the process of breaking, and yet of all the things to keep in my mind…I was on my own to deal with moms death, he had to work, women are emotional and men are logical…women are emotional and men are logical…rinse and repeat.

He knew what would happen, if not all some, we both knew, we had discussed what the vultures would be like.

Men are logical, women are emotional.

I was always the odd one out in the family, the boys got out as soon as they legally could but I didn’t.  No biggie, it’s life we live it.

Or not.

To some they would like it to be said that they lived their lives as they wished.

It is a pioneers thought, and we have our name on a memorial as one of the “pioneer families” of the area.

He lived his life as he had been shaped to, never bothering to try to mend the damage of the abuse, not ever letting someone in and while most would say he lived his life as he wished, I think he lived his life as he could.  He never changed the shape that they formed him into all those years ago, merely  hardened his exterior. When he sought help for the pains in his chest, collapsing a few months ago on the doorstep of the emergency department, there was no one there with him to care, call for help or even notify me after.

He was the strong one…and he is missed even if he did not realize it while he was alive.

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Between the sun and the moon.

“sun enhances the day, speeds the many through along the way, but moonlight shelters the dreamer and the lost..”

These walls are polished bright, well surrounded am I within.  Yet as I allow a wisp of air in to refresh, breathe life into dreams quashed and hopes forgotten.

How much simpler to leave it closed, not seek out what you often hide even from yourself?

If this is to be my life, then I wish to live it.

Not bereft of pleasure, happiness or love.

I am well versed in the negative and the destruction, but must one always risk it for a brief glimpse of the cherished and rare?

Those walls are deceptive, they await your return, proudly assuming that you will be back.

You will admit defeat, crawl inside and exist.

Struggle lest you enter, for it is a deceptive safety.

The darkness numbing the soul and strangling the fire within.

Release the dreamer from the bonds, so they may envision a brighter world of twilight.

Enchant not the lover, for love is best given as they desire to, freely.

Revile not the fool, for we are all foolish sometime, and needed the shelter of stronger folk.

Accept what is gifted, without obligation or derision.

…sing softly lest you disturb another or rather share the lyrics…

…inviting another to share a thought they too may have and thus not feel alone.

Perhaps one would then be strong enough to make their own footsteps, not follow those fashioned by others who know not your heart or soul.

This moment.

This moment, whatever I am doing, seeing, feeling…it will only be this way once.

We go on about the precious moments, the heart felt sighs, starry eyed dreams and the lustful leanings…we all say, sighing softly enchantedly that this moment, will never come again.

It won’t.

This is the time for this moment.

Whatever I feel right now, will change, for better or worse, and other moments will surpass this one, in one way or another.

This moment is the best I have ever known…it shall not happen to me again…this is a common thought isn’t it?

So why is it so hard for us to understand that the reverse is also true?

This moment, this pain, this thought that your world is over, and you just want it all to stop…the soul wrenching misery…this moment is just for now too. It will move on to the mundane, the usual, and someday the joyous and happy.

It will not be speedy, immediate or quiet as it slips by, you will not see things the same again and years from now there will still be tears because this moment is that bad.

You can not undo it, begging for it not to be doesn’t work, and facing the changes this moment wrought might well be more than you can handle.

Years later you can close your eyes and be right back, seeing it all in detail, each horror, and the emotions will be as strong but the difference will not be that you care less, it will be that you are stronger.

I have found a list of horrors, nightmares and abuses, like dominoes they blaze a trail through my life, but there is always the worst, the one that tipped the scales.

Yet each of those dominoes was a moment, some worse than others, unforgettable for it’s harshness and searing scar on the soul, but just as we whisper softly of love, and how this wondrous moment shall never come again, such is true of the bad, the impossible and the devastating.

So as you face that moment, the one before you, tearing the heart apart, destroying the peace or tearing the loved one from your life, remember it is a moment. However it goes after, it will pass…you will never forget. Yet, as long as you do not lose sight of the fact  it is but a moment, you will not be overwhelmed and surrender to grief, or to being a victim.

Moments do pass.

The ones you wish would last forever, flash by quickly.

The ones you beg not to have to face, seems to dwell forever.

Just keep saying, over and over, under your breath.

“It is but a moment.”

Allow yourself to accept the aimless, empty, sorrow filled days as steps away…or towards…another hopefully pleasant or wonderful…moment.

Caliginous Moments

~Dedicated to the pessimistic girlfriend (recently heartbroken) who said I was too romantic and that love did not exist. There are times when this is how I feel..but in the end I still prefer to believe in Love and heroes.~

Caliginous Moments

Appearances are deceiving.

Prison is not without, it’s within.

The open door is a hurdle.

Freedom a sadistic joke.

There are no knights.

Merely people living their own lives.

There are no saints.

Only those who wear costumes.

There are no sinners.

Just people struggling to survive.

There is no safe place.

You can always be found.

There is no refuge.

Existence is pain.

Sanctuary is a mirage,

Encouraged by hunters to calm their prey.

Love is an illusion.

Fanned to life by poets and romantics.

Devotion is the thing of myth.

The facade that is easiest to abandon.

Loyalty is the fabric of story.

The fabled stuff of heros and glory.

Bravery is not the thing of soldiers and war.

Courage rests with the helpless.

Those trapped and unknown.

Refusing to accept that merely breathing is failure.

© pulchritudynous a.k.a. Simple Lady 2013