There are a lot of firsts that happen on our birthdays, whether they are positive firsts or negative will depend on the event or lack there of.

Yesterday was the first birthday knowing that my brother Tim had joined mom and grama, and I was without all of them.

It is not that birthdays were stellar, they were not, but birthdays are the time when most of us take stock in the progression of our lives, ourselves and those around us including family we may not see often.

As firsts go, I could have done without this one for a long time.

I still miss my mom, as we were close, and I always got a hug on my birthday.



Another Day Older And Deeper In Debt

As I sit here pondering the fact that we celebrate birthdays, after we have already done the hard part and actually survived another year.

So I finally found a copy of the movie I like but can never find, put it on and bingo it stops playing.

Then the alarm on the oven goes off (with only the dog and I awake in the living room), she opts to stay put in case we have ghosts.

The alarm must have terminator technology, it refuses to die.


I entered a room and found a loved one, gone…passed away. I was outside doing chores and I will never know if I was called for help and they waited, hoping I would come and I did not…or if while I was outside listening to music through ear phones and doing chores, they passed in their sleep.
I had been through a lot before then but that “broke” me…for so many reasons.
I never got to say goodbye, to say thank you or do anything except walk into that room.
You know that you can’t change things, as they are happening sometimes, or as you are facing tragedy…no amount of begging will work, no “I am sorry” will be heard and what your left with is that picture and whatever your last moments were.
I promised myself never to forget to express my appreciation or gratitude, to say how I feel or apologize or even forgive.
That keeps me from regret…but some people would not understand it or why I am the way I am.
When do I allow that I will not continue to lose everything I care about and thus be afraid of caring?
Prepare yourself for the worst and expect the best.
Little did I think that would build hurdles and walls between me and others.

To Persevere.


(The above was encountered on the web)


Freedom of Speech is taken for granted.

Freedom of Thought is often misused.

Freedom to be is hard won.


My life is mine.


I admit I did not have any input in being born, that was totally up to the parents.

The 18 hours of labor were not really my “fault” though they were caused by me.

I guess I can accept blame for being too active at 3 for my grandmother, who lasted 1 day with us and moved out because even locking the door could not keep me in the house (it was a hook and an eye and I was creative with the use of chairs).

I could make my own toast at 3 (chairs were marvelous things).

At some point before I hit 4, I (in my words to my mother) “shimmied up” a tree. The fire department got me down as no one else could manage it.  I hope I thanked them but somehow I doubt it.

~Introducing fear of heights?~

I own everything that happened to me, though to be honest, I would much rather not.  I would trade it for fun rides, travel abroad and perhaps a bigger family. Or even utter pure blandness.

I have not talked a lot about what all happened because of other people’s view of me changing and what I say may put others in a very bad light.

I am not alone in those feelings, I know from others I have spoken to about their lives, that it is hard to speak out.

I am not a victim, that word holds connotations that I refuse to accept.

I am not a survivor, because that shiny little word means it is over, done and forgotten.

In various instances either of the above terms may actually be applicable however in my view I persevere.


The dictionary defines the word in the following context:

to persist in anything undertaken;
maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.
to bolster, sustain, or uphold.
I think that is a more accurate definition of things from the past.  I lived in spite of difficulty, learned despite obstacles and became myself through it all.
Now it is accepting that, it is my life, not someone else’s.  What I want, need or desire is up to me, not another.
Mistakes are things you do, not who you are.

If someone lies to you, and you believe them, you can blame them for the lie and accept you made a mistake.

If someone takes advantage or cheats you, you hold them accountable for their actions, and accept that you made a mistake.

If someone hurts and abuses you (including sexually), it IS all on them.  Your mistake may be either not saying, telling or sharing it (IF you can) or not leaving (again IF you can).

It is easy to shoulder the blame, allow yourself to be responsible for things you had no control over, way to get out of or change.  After all, it is happening to you, so you must be responsible somehow, right?

You do not always realize there is a place to go, help anywhere (and sometimes there really isn’t) or people that will listen without judgement.

We take it all, tuck it away inside, and carry on, not realizing that the baggage can be what is holding us back from feeling able to be ourselves.

When you learn that being happy, laughing or even being confident, gains you negative, harsh treatment, well you learn not to.

When dreams are not encouraged, expectations however small not met, and you can’t relax because that will upset someone…it changes your behaviour and trickles into your thinking.

You expect the negative over simple things and you don’t even realize it, until someone points it out.

How often do you want to do something, say something or feel something and you tell yourself it’s wrong, don’t do it.  Simple little things, not outrageous or shocking.

Behaviour is so ingrained that you do not realize where it comes from, and with the non anti social type, unless someone points it out and asks, you do not consider it wrong, it just is.

You have a sense of impending doom, a mental, emotional and thus physical sense of disharmony, anger and upset that comes from those around you, and regardless of someone saying it is not directed at you, those feelings are real and you try to fix it or you distance yourself from the issues until the blaze dies down to embers.

Someone is going to think that is a daft statement but if you have ever been around abusive people or situations for extended periods, your senses are a bit sharper towards others, you pick up changes, moods and purely self preservation you react to appease or gain distance.  You can be in another room and your still concentrating on where they are, what they are doing and if they are coming your way.

Until recently I never knew there was a term for describing that in a way, hypervigilance.  I was surprised to find that out.

Now I can shut up and stop writing, it would likely make me safe and secure, hiding again but those memories, the images, they pop up when you least expect it and I am not insane, so I know repeating the same action expecting it to get better is not the answer.

This is change.

Even if it is a small one.

Hopefully no one will think less of me for it.

Pondering the now.

There are things that bring each of us joy, contentment and happiness.  Right now this instant mine is nowhere near me…

…it is okay because I would likely just talk to much and spoil everything anyway.


Each day is filled with moments, some we are aware of and others, not so much.


You can dream of something, want it with all your heart and soul but there is a voice that says see that there? It’s a line, it says do not pass…this is not for you.


Someone once said you make your own opportunities but when it comes to other people, well that might get you jailed quicker than abiding by the restrictions.


The harshest kindness anyone can do is be honest, so that you are not left wondering where you are, what is going on and if your just to stupid to actually get the undercurrent…it’s in some language that you never learned.


Perhaps what is, is and what will be won’t…perhaps the best moments will be what has been and the dreams will fade into nothingness so as not to haunt one.


When I do not understand, I doubt.

When I am confused, I retreat.

When I am afraid, I withhold.


If you are not invested wholeheartedly, you can not be broken…again.


Instead of pondering what if, who whats and where when’s, just be.


Accept this may well be the best you ever have..what perversity would deny yourself a smile, when you are barely apart from the river of tears?


Allow yourself to breath..when you are happy perchance fate will allow you to savor it.


If you do not try, feel, live, yearn my nightmare so neatly foretold..your already out of the realm of the living.


Opening your hand to another, is braver than brandishing a fist…and maybe they might take that hand instead of cutting it off.


I am me, whether you like, hate, or ignore me does not matter.

Should not matter.

I am me.

I have the right to share what I think, as long as I am not harming, offending or inciting anyone..or breaking laws.

I will not countenance bullies..I shall not allow anyone to bully me into doing, saying or being treated other than I think is fair, right and proper.

This does not mean luxury, just not being a doormat or a whipping post.

If someone is willing to push people around to get what they want, they are on the same intellectual level as my dog. But she is a loving snuggling pup not grumpy or abusive.

There is a difference between someone who is a bully, and someone who is a leader – a caretaker/guider.

Leaders, caretakers/guiders..have confidence, knowledge, caring and protective designs on those around them.

Bullies want their own way.

A leader may well give orders or expects things to be done but they are not unreasonable, they take into consideration the welfare and personal safety of their charges.

Circumstances are thought out, plans are made and considered before being put into motion, usually, and the abilities of the person/s to carry out assignments is considered.

Bullies want their own way, if you are safe or not is a minor detail.

The aftermath of a bully is like a bomb blast of devastation. Entering into discourse with same is likely to end up badly unless of course, you intimidate them.