Rinse and watch someone else repeat.

You ever get into a mess, a big one, and whether someone else got you there (as in my case) or circumstances made a shambles of things, even maybe you just charged forth into the valley of 300 foibles without thinking it through and…

…well isn’t this one FINE mess?

I know how I got into my mess, well most of it, and I know now that there were other ways of handling my circumstances but at the time, when your IN the quagmire most of us are not stepping back and thinking logically.

My predicament aside, as I will write about that in future should I ever get the courage, it seems that once people know you have been through something, they seem to think you are an expert on that particular circumstance.

I am here to say, that is not always the case.

After all I was shot at once and I would be just as clueless and stuck to the ground if it happened today as I was then.

A former ex tried to strangle me, and I have not taken self defense courses so, I would be just as hapless should that ever be repeated (not if I can help it).

Con folk stole everything I had and got me into a foreign country, okay, on this one I am a little more knowledgeable.

So someone else is in a foreign country, brought there by someone they trusted and were in a relationship with, and they too have no money, freedom and well they are kinda screwed…slight adjustment in circumstances and physical situation.

When you think your faux pas or conundrum is a singular event, not experienced by anyone else, well I realize now that it is a bit big headed.  There are still things that happen to people that are indeed singular and original but that is in itself exceptional and rare.

Other people at some point in time have gone through something akin to what you are or did, slight nuances of difference taken into consideration, and well the outcomes are probably as varied as each of us are as individual human beings.

So when someone asked me for advice for this person who is stuck in a foreign country, no money, no family with money,surrounded by people who do not care or actively got you there and dislike you, with pets that they can’t bear to leave…

…I understand from experience, what they are going through.

54 days ago the people who put me in a similar situation after taking everything I had, including my identity, threatened to slit my throat, and the world was in turmoil.

53 days ago I boarded a plane and arrived back in my own country an emotional, psychological, financial and physical mess.

They managed to take everything I had and I ended up with nothing.

Yesterday a friend contacted me because she was aware of what I went through, and now someone else is going through something similar, in my country.

Well now there is a conundrum.

I still have not worked through everything but my counselor is amazing and very good at seeing things that I did or do not, though I do not need anyone to tell me how lucky I am now, I made it out with my dog.

There is still a woman, in Canada, who is broke, has diabetes, no family to pay for her return to America, no health care, and the person that brought her to Canada (unsure if it was a sponsor or what) is now saying they are broke and can’t even pay for her return to the states with her pets.

Alas I am still broke myself and looking for a place to live, and the basic necessities so I am not much help in financial ways.

I have made suggestions but the person living through any particular hell has to actually take the steps to DO or SEEK things to help them out of the circumstance they are in.

When one is on the edge of a cliff, looking into avast abyss of darkness without a clue of what is below when they step off, many things keep them glued to the mountainside unable to move and fear is rather high on that list, not to relegate shame, embarrassment, vulnerability or helplessness to non existence because they all contribute in their own nefarious major ways, but fear is the bow on the box that needs to be undone first.

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Kryptonite

One of the main reasons why people do not share things, or indeed ask for help is, the reactions of others.

The loss of opinion, respect, value or regard.

No one can actually predict what another person is thinking, how they will react and once you say it, display weakness, need, desperation or fear, you can not take it back.

I sometimes think that is why things like messages in bottles are so popular, the anonymity of authorship.

Someone sent me a message once akin to “grow a pair” after something I posted. I forget what it was.

Funny thing is, they do not know me, yet that comment proves my point, as I am fairly certain the thing being commented on was relatively harmless about fear or insecurity, in this blog somewhere.

It validates the fear of reaching out when your at your weakest, most confused or emotional, and you know what your thinking may receive a negative reception. It’s easier and safer, to just deal with what is already on your plate. Unless you can’t, then you don’t.

No more worries or pain after that.

I knew a couple people who committed suicide. One was a hard core biker. In his case, I know that there was a fling being had between his wife and a rather inane fellow who was into drugs and that caused some whispers to go around about it not really being suicide.  I guess the impression of him was that he was hard core, he could handle almost anything, after all you do not get into an MC unless you are somewhat strong or macho. Oh did I forget to mention this fellow broke his back in a motorcycle accident and managed to make it back to walking, and riding again? Ooops.

Another was a fellow in his 30’s who had a family and was losing the family farm. It was he thought, his fault.

Both had friends, family, and there was a myriad of people that would have gotten them through those moments, one way or another, to realize that tomorrow is a new day.

In the first fellows case, he had a best friend, whom I knew, and it practically killed him to go through this because he would have done anything for his friend.  He understood the reasons why his friend might not talk to many but why not him?

I won’t touch on those who think the sarcastic re-joiner “slit up not across” is really helpful to the person who does actually broach the subject with you, at that point I am not sure who is in worse shape.

We admire strength, those who accomplish goals, or have steely determination.

There is less understanding for those who make mistakes, fall through the cracks or end up on that dark shaded square, for whatever reason, contemplating the unthinkable.

Unthinkable.

Obviously it is not, it is a common thought for many, some even consider it a sane and logical option to whatever is going on in their lives at the time.

The problem is not that they are thinking this, it is when they have no one to seek guidance, counsel or just plain conversation, from.

It is easy to blame the person who is gone, wonder why they did not talk to us, but at some point we need to change the stigma from that person to society’s view on weakness.

In order to know your strong, you must have experienced weakness, otherwise you can not appreciate your inner reserves of steel or patch those holes on the more vulnerable bits.

If we were all superman, heaven forbid any of us touch krytonite.

Regret

I entered a room and found a loved one, gone…passed away. I was outside doing chores and I will never know if I was called for help and they waited, hoping I would come and I did not…or if while I was outside listening to music through ear phones and doing chores, they passed in their sleep.
I had been through a lot before then but that “broke” me…for so many reasons.
I never got to say goodbye, to say thank you or do anything except walk into that room.
You know that you can’t change things, as they are happening sometimes, or as you are facing tragedy…no amount of begging will work, no “I am sorry” will be heard and what your left with is that picture and whatever your last moments were.
I promised myself never to forget to express my appreciation or gratitude, to say how I feel or apologize or even forgive.
That keeps me from regret…but some people would not understand it or why I am the way I am.
When do I allow that I will not continue to lose everything I care about and thus be afraid of caring?
Prepare yourself for the worst and expect the best.
Little did I think that would build hurdles and walls between me and others.

Between the sun and the moon.

“sun enhances the day, speeds the many through along the way, but moonlight shelters the dreamer and the lost..”

These walls are polished bright, well surrounded am I within.  Yet as I allow a wisp of air in to refresh, breathe life into dreams quashed and hopes forgotten.

How much simpler to leave it closed, not seek out what you often hide even from yourself?

If this is to be my life, then I wish to live it.

Not bereft of pleasure, happiness or love.

I am well versed in the negative and the destruction, but must one always risk it for a brief glimpse of the cherished and rare?

Those walls are deceptive, they await your return, proudly assuming that you will be back.

You will admit defeat, crawl inside and exist.

Struggle lest you enter, for it is a deceptive safety.

The darkness numbing the soul and strangling the fire within.

Release the dreamer from the bonds, so they may envision a brighter world of twilight.

Enchant not the lover, for love is best given as they desire to, freely.

Revile not the fool, for we are all foolish sometime, and needed the shelter of stronger folk.

Accept what is gifted, without obligation or derision.

…sing softly lest you disturb another or rather share the lyrics…

…inviting another to share a thought they too may have and thus not feel alone.

Perhaps one would then be strong enough to make their own footsteps, not follow those fashioned by others who know not your heart or soul.

Forbidden hopes. *

Sometimes when it gets really quiet, and the only company you have is yourself, this is when the shadows of the dreams you had come out to dabble with your mind.

The things you never dared say you wished for because, to speak the words made them real, and the pain of not getting, tenfold worse.

I am not certain what inspires these dreams or hopes.  Is it what we do not have? What we see? Or just how we feel? Perchance it is a combination of all, with each carving a different facet to a hidden aspiration. Eventually shaping a unique gem, glistening within ourselves, representing all the unspoken wishes.

The moments you allow yourself to contemplate these things grows rarer as you convince yourself they won’t, can’t or must not happen…you polish them then hide it all over again, deeper.

These things are to the individual like DNA, as is each step in our life journey, being carved for, or perhaps into us. I think they sometimes leave holes where they were meant to be, each unfulfilled hope an empty space destined to remain a void, ignored or covered over. Forgotten.

These things are individual as well.  You can not make someone else want what you do, no matter how you feel about them, with them, for them…because those hidden yearnings exist inside everyone.  You can not shape theirs anymore than they can shape yours, though that fabled thing called love can alter them a bit. Meld, combine and shift those gems if shared with another.

As we each have such a gem within, and if you are lucky to fulfill yours, they shine brilliantly through you, in your smile, your eyes, and the giving, caring, and loving which radiates out from you.

Of course that is my hypothesis of our inner hidden or abandoned dreams, hopes, desires.

This moment

Bless me with this moment.

This feeling.

Your gift even if you can not see it.

This smile and peace.

The desire to touch yet ..

..it would break the moment and change who you are.

Ah yearning to touch, yet feeling the distance and doubting the wisdom.

I have no wish to change you,

Even as I feel the metamorphosis that you have set in motion within me.

Admiring you is easy, discovering you is hard.

Yet you enthrall, entrance and closer is the only desire I have.

I am no moth, yearning for the mindless heat of just any flame..

…you are no senseless blaze destined to devastate indiscriminately, if at all.

You build up, rather than tear down.

Yet my fingertips tingle at the thought of a simple caress…

..hoping this moment continues..

..grateful regardless.

 

© pulchritudynous a.k.a. Simple Lady 2013